LA_MERC_M@lACHi
December 2nd, 2003, 10:39 AM
One of my Favorites!
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For those of you who have lived in Texas or gone to one of these affairs, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cookoff about the time a rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
"Recently I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey. And besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the score cards from the event: ______________________________________________
CHILI #1, MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy s__t, what the hell is this stuff? You could have removed dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that is the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ______________________________________________
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CHILI #2 ,ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI. JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ______________________________________________
CHILI#3, FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI. JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now--get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s__t-faced with all this beer. ______________________________________________
CHILI#4, BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC. JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; the 300 pound gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? ______________________________________________
CHILI#5, LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER. JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! ______________________________________________
CHILI #6, VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY. JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s__t myself when I farted and I am worried it went all the way through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! ______________________________________________
CHILI #7, KICK ASS CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Three. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damned thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like s__t to match my damn shirt. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ______________________________________________
CHILI #8, LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicey enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Three passed out, fell over and then pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?
____________________
For those of you who have lived in Texas or gone to one of these affairs, you know how true this is! They actually have a chili cookoff about the time a rodeo comes to town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes from an inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast.
"Recently I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicey. And besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted." Here are the score cards from the event: ______________________________________________
CHILI #1, MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing Kick. JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild. FRANK: Holy s__t, what the hell is this stuff? You could have removed dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that is the worst one. These Texans are crazy. ______________________________________________
_________
CHILI #2 ,ARTHURS AFTERBURNER CHILI. JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang. JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously. FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face. ______________________________________________
CHILI#3, FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI. JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans. JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers. FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now--get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting s__t-faced with all this beer. ______________________________________________
CHILI#4, BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC. JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing. JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili. FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; the 300 pound gal is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac? ______________________________________________
CHILI#5, LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER. JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive. JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement. FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks! ______________________________________________
CHILI #6, VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY. JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers. JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I s__t myself when I farted and I am worried it went all the way through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone! ______________________________________________
CHILI #7, KICK ASS CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers. JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Three. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably. FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin and I wouldn't feel a damned thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are filled with lava-like s__t to match my damn shirt. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach. ______________________________________________
CHILI #8, LESTER'S LAST OF THE RED HOT LOVER'S CHILI. JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicey enough to declare it's existence. JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Three passed out, fell over and then pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he is going to make it. Poor Frank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?