LA_MERC_Dirge
July 9th, 2003, 12:42 PM
A study in the obvious
Modern 'research' requires little more than opening your eyes
Wednesday July 09, 2003
Angus Lind
I was reading a story the other day about a research study that basically concluded that some people are born shyer than others.
I find this absolutely amazing. Do you suppose that some people are also born more aggressive than others, funnier than others, sassier than others, taller than others, shorter than others, fatter than others, balder than others?
Studies can be so revealing. A research study I recall reading about examined some 55 grown women over a five-year period. It found that 71 percent of them changed their minds on a wide-ranging variety of topics and subjects. Who would have ever thought that? That is absolutely mind-boggling. I had no idea women would change their minds.
That's what makes research studies so important. Without them, we wouldn't know anything about ourselves.
A research study showed that if someone has had two alcoholic drinks in a one-hour period, the chances increase dramatically that a person in a relationship will say something he or she might later regret. That is a stunning revelation: Booze loosens up your tongue? I would never have guessed that in a million years. Let's hear it for research studies.
A recent study in Australia, after "intensive research," revealed that politicians lie. I simply refuse to believe this. It cannot be. Say it ain't so, mate. The politicians that I help elect after carefully scrutinizing every word they utter during a campaign would dare utter falsehoods? I am dead certain that no politician is guilty of this in Louisiana. It has to be an Australian thing.
Speaking of lying, there was a study I read some years back that showed that almost two-thirds of the women questioned admitted that someone had lied to get them to have sex. The most commonly used lie involved those three little words that can get you into a heap of trouble: I love you.
Another study revealed that in households with a television remote control, males control it 56 percent of the time and females only 34 percent. Gee -- another totally unexpected finding. A good question might be: Who controls it the other 10 percent of the time?
Last time I checked, even this mathematically challenged person could figure out that 56 and 34 equals 90. Don't even think about saying it's the kids who rule the remote the other 10 percent of the time. No way would they be watching TV with mom and pop. They've probably got their own sets and their own remotes, checking out shows their parents don't want them to watch.
That's just an opinion, of course, not a study.
But without studies, what other vehicle would we have to reveal the obvious?
A study revealed that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, fries and soft drinks is not conducive for teen-agers to maintain their weight. Or to live a long, healthy life without developing heart problems later on. Now without a study, who would have thought that a steady diet of fat, cholesterol, sugar and sodium would be harmful?
One more time -- let's hear it for studies.
But back to the Aussies, who appear to be on the cutting edge of research studies. I read a report that said that Australian researchers have concluded that the combination of meat and cheese can be addictive. These two food groups, if I'm interpreting this correctly, release drug-like compounds that cause the consumer to become addicted.
Cheeseburger in paradise is now cheeseburger addiction?
Research aside, could it possibly be something really simple? Like that maybe cheeseburgers are a lot of folks' favorite food, so they eat a lot of them -- more than any other food they consume? How about a study on that? Can we get funding?
A study revealed that men can tolerate silence much more than women. Wow! There's a shocker. Another one says a woman's typical phone call is 2.5 times longer than a man's typical phone call. Remarkable, simply remarkable. I would have thought that the woman's phone call figure would be more like 10.5 -- just based on personal experience, of course.
How about a study that, for once, tackles a topic of genuine importance? Personally, I'm looking forward to some conclusive research on a very important matter:
Why don't women put the toilet seat back up when they're finished?
Modern 'research' requires little more than opening your eyes
Wednesday July 09, 2003
Angus Lind
I was reading a story the other day about a research study that basically concluded that some people are born shyer than others.
I find this absolutely amazing. Do you suppose that some people are also born more aggressive than others, funnier than others, sassier than others, taller than others, shorter than others, fatter than others, balder than others?
Studies can be so revealing. A research study I recall reading about examined some 55 grown women over a five-year period. It found that 71 percent of them changed their minds on a wide-ranging variety of topics and subjects. Who would have ever thought that? That is absolutely mind-boggling. I had no idea women would change their minds.
That's what makes research studies so important. Without them, we wouldn't know anything about ourselves.
A research study showed that if someone has had two alcoholic drinks in a one-hour period, the chances increase dramatically that a person in a relationship will say something he or she might later regret. That is a stunning revelation: Booze loosens up your tongue? I would never have guessed that in a million years. Let's hear it for research studies.
A recent study in Australia, after "intensive research," revealed that politicians lie. I simply refuse to believe this. It cannot be. Say it ain't so, mate. The politicians that I help elect after carefully scrutinizing every word they utter during a campaign would dare utter falsehoods? I am dead certain that no politician is guilty of this in Louisiana. It has to be an Australian thing.
Speaking of lying, there was a study I read some years back that showed that almost two-thirds of the women questioned admitted that someone had lied to get them to have sex. The most commonly used lie involved those three little words that can get you into a heap of trouble: I love you.
Another study revealed that in households with a television remote control, males control it 56 percent of the time and females only 34 percent. Gee -- another totally unexpected finding. A good question might be: Who controls it the other 10 percent of the time?
Last time I checked, even this mathematically challenged person could figure out that 56 and 34 equals 90. Don't even think about saying it's the kids who rule the remote the other 10 percent of the time. No way would they be watching TV with mom and pop. They've probably got their own sets and their own remotes, checking out shows their parents don't want them to watch.
That's just an opinion, of course, not a study.
But without studies, what other vehicle would we have to reveal the obvious?
A study revealed that a steady diet of cheeseburgers, fries and soft drinks is not conducive for teen-agers to maintain their weight. Or to live a long, healthy life without developing heart problems later on. Now without a study, who would have thought that a steady diet of fat, cholesterol, sugar and sodium would be harmful?
One more time -- let's hear it for studies.
But back to the Aussies, who appear to be on the cutting edge of research studies. I read a report that said that Australian researchers have concluded that the combination of meat and cheese can be addictive. These two food groups, if I'm interpreting this correctly, release drug-like compounds that cause the consumer to become addicted.
Cheeseburger in paradise is now cheeseburger addiction?
Research aside, could it possibly be something really simple? Like that maybe cheeseburgers are a lot of folks' favorite food, so they eat a lot of them -- more than any other food they consume? How about a study on that? Can we get funding?
A study revealed that men can tolerate silence much more than women. Wow! There's a shocker. Another one says a woman's typical phone call is 2.5 times longer than a man's typical phone call. Remarkable, simply remarkable. I would have thought that the woman's phone call figure would be more like 10.5 -- just based on personal experience, of course.
How about a study that, for once, tackles a topic of genuine importance? Personally, I'm looking forward to some conclusive research on a very important matter:
Why don't women put the toilet seat back up when they're finished?