LA_MERC_M@lACHi
October 20th, 2004, 09:01 AM
SPEEDING ALONG
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at
22 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies --- two in the front seat and three in the back--- eyes wide,
and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can
also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing
the speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle,
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to
ask...
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got
off Route 119... "
SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a
long
time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I
can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and
the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh darn, am I driving?"
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a
lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately
rush up to catch her and straighten her up.Again she seems OK, but after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once
more
bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they
ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you
fart."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
SENIOR SEX
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man
told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old
woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to
himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been
much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I
had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I
would have taken off my pantyhose."
SEE.NILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in
and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure
hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good
measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at
the door.
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding
drivers, a State Police officer sees a car puttering along at
22 mph.
He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a
speeder!"
So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old
ladies --- two in the front seat and three in the back--- eyes wide,
and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't
understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What
seems to be the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you
should
know that driving slower than the speed limit can
also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit?" she asked. "No sir, I was doing
the speed limit exactly---twenty-two miles an hour!" the
old woman says a bit proudly.
The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle,
explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer
for pointing out her error.
"But before I let you go, Ma'am," said the officer, "I have to
ask...
Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem
awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this
whole time."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got
off Route 119... "
SENIOR MOMENTS II
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the
years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other
and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a
long
time..... but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but
I
can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just
stared and glared at her. Finally she said,
"How soon do you need to know?
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be
losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red
light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
and the light was red again. Again, they went right
through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that
the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She
was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and
the next intersection.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and
they went on through.
So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you
know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have
killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh darn, am I driving?"
NURSING HOME
One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a
nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared
for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty
breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a
lovely flower garden.
She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over
sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately
rush up to catch her and straighten her up.Again she seems OK, but after a
while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once
more
bring her back upright.
This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting
to her new home.
"So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they
ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you
fart."
ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and
wanted to talk. She said: "You used to hold my hand when we
were courting." Wearily he reached across, held her
hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep. A few moments later she
said: "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the
cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.
"To get my teeth!"
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement
home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,
"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me
tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
SENIOR SEX
Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man
told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old
woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.
Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to
himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been
much more gentle!"
Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I
had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I
would have taken off my pantyhose."
SEE.NILE
Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96 live in a house together.
One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts one foot in
and pauses. She yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or
out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and
see."
She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then, she yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or down?"
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea,
listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure
hope I never get that forgetful." She knocks on wood for good
measure.
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at
the door.