PDA

View Full Version : Looking for Critique (friendly or otherwise)



LA_MERC_LaTech
March 24th, 2004, 12:28 PM
Prologue


Amanda woke with a start as the alarm clock beside her bed rang.

Slowly, she sat up and through bleary eyes surveyed the weather through her bedside window. Snow gently fell against the windowpane and was slowly building into small mounds on her windowsill. She gazed past the ever-increasing piles and noticed that sometime before her alarm clock woke her, a snowplow had passed her apartment building and had shoved a fair amount of snow alongside her car.

“Going to have to give myself just a little more time this morning to dig my car out,” she joked to herself.

She got out of bed and began her morning routine of showering first, and then making breakfast. While sipping her coffee, she hunted through her apartment for her keys, which she had misplaced the night before. After finding them on the nightstand, she put her coffee cup in the sink and left her apartment, headed for work.

“Have good day, Ms. Amanda, ” Petya, Amanda’s next door neighbor said as she locked her door.

“Spaciba Petya!” she replied. Her Russian wasn’t very good, but with her new assignment in Moscow, she figured it was going to get better one way or another.

As she pushed open the door to the building, the cold Moscow air hit her full in the face chilling her almost to the bone. “We’re not in Kansas anymore, Toto.” She smiled as she tightly wrapped her scarf around her face to keep the bitter Russian wind from touching her skin.

After digging her car out of the snow, she started it up and began her morning commute to work. Moscow traffic was notoriously bad, but having grown up in Chicago, she was used to the noise and the bustle.

She finally pulled up to her new place of work, and stopped at the guard shack located outside the main gate.

“Ma’am, may I see your identification papers please,” the Marine located within the building said.

She handed over her papers and turned the heater up on her car. It amazed her how quickly her car had cooled off after just barely rolling down the window.

“Here you go, Ms. Jacobsen. You may proceed around the building and park in the parking area designated for you. Have a good day.”

“Thank you, Sir,” she replied and drove forward as the gate opened up.

Slowly, she drove past the building in which she was going to work for the next couple months. It was a three-story building constructed of brick with a glass and steel façade that faced the main road from which she had just come. There were a number of trees that were placed along the driveway, and several other small shrubs along the building itself. The driveway continued on to the right side of the building, but Amanda turned and followed the left side, passing the face of the building. It was just as she passed the center of the building that she noticed three men running toward her from the guard shack with a dog that looked like a German Shepard.

It was at this moment, when there was no hope for saving her that the plastic explosive bomb that had been placed in the undercarriage of the car detonated.

The bomb ripped through the undercarriage of the car with enough force to blow the roof completely off the car and into the top of one of the trees that was twenty feet away. Sharp pieces of metal flew through the air in all directions, shredding whatever got in their way. Two of the Marines were knocked flat on their backs due to the blast, but not before large pieces of flesh were ripped away by the flying metal. The concussion wave slammed into the façade of the building, instantly shattering the glass windows and sending those pieces of glass into the foyer. The receptionist sitting at the desk was impaled by a large piece of glass and was dead before she hit the ground.

The sound of the explosion echoed throughout the old city while in the distance, sirens began to wail as they approached. As the smoke began to clear, the lone Marine that survived the blast entered the building. His eyes were immediately drawn to the blood splattered seal that was on the wall behind the receptionist’s desk -- the seal of the US Ambassador.


CNN Center, Atlanta

“In the third terrorist attack this month in Russia, four people were killed and twelve others were seriously wounded when a bomb, believed to have been hidden under the car of a worker at the embassy, exploded just outside the US Embassy in Moscow. Russian police refused to comment on those responsible for the blast, but inside sources point to Russian fundamentalists as the source of the recent bombings. Russian President, Vladimir Putin, was asked today to comment on the apparent targeting of American interests in Russia. “It is a sad state of affairs when political allies are targeted on foreign soil. We will not rest until those responsible are apprehended.”

In other news…”

LA_MERC_Onji
March 24th, 2004, 12:49 PM
dude! did you write that?

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 24th, 2004, 01:01 PM
yeah, this is the working prologue for my book...no title yet, but I'll get there eventually.

LA_MERC_Onji
March 24th, 2004, 01:04 PM
very nice man, just the right amount of detail

LA_MERC_Sabre
March 24th, 2004, 01:11 PM
that's pretty good man! So is this book intended for sale in the future?

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 24th, 2004, 01:16 PM
Yeah...I probably shouldn't post all of it, eh? lol...

LA_MERC_Sabre
March 24th, 2004, 03:27 PM
LOL, i probably wouldn't read it all at one time if you did!

LA_MERC_MadMAX
March 24th, 2004, 05:59 PM
looks awesome - caught my attention - held it, good job on the imagery.

Also, although it is "grammatically correct" either way,

window pane and window sill read much better than windowpane and windowsill

Just a thought.

You thinking if submitting it somewhere? I could send you some links and addresses if you are.

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 24th, 2004, 06:16 PM
Of submitting the whole story, or just the prologue? As far as the window parts, I was looking out th ewindow when I thought of including that part...not really partial to it either way, lol

LA_MERC_MadMAX
March 24th, 2004, 06:29 PM
i just think window sill and window pane reads better than as all one word...

can you send me the whole thing? [email protected]

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 24th, 2004, 07:09 PM
Oooh...I'm nowhere near done writing it. It's all in my head, but it takes such a long time to write all this stuff down...

MadOne
March 25th, 2004, 10:23 AM
the windowpane and was slowly building into small mounds on her windowsill..

the pane glass of the window and slowly building into small mounds on the sill just outside


Great story..

Lt.Dan
March 25th, 2004, 01:03 PM
Question, why the name Amanda? A girl you know or knew?

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 25th, 2004, 01:11 PM
No, just the first name I could think of. Turns out, I have an Amanda, Barry, Charles...notice a pattern? I should pick new names...but Amanda works for now.

And just FYI, I don't have a vendetta against anyone with the name "Amanda" lol

Silent_Killer
March 25th, 2004, 03:06 PM
Bottom Line: its sounds like its really good.
Just one question, whats a prolouge?

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 25th, 2004, 03:17 PM
Prologue is usually something that comes before a story or a book that sets the tone or mood of the piece that is to follow.

LA_MERC_MadMAX
March 25th, 2004, 05:55 PM
Prologue is the opposite of Epilogue :)

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 25th, 2004, 06:25 PM
Right, epilogue is at the end of the story and it kinda brings closure to everything.

LA_MERC_eX1|eS' ch1|d
March 27th, 2004, 01:44 AM
Oddly I'm looking at writing some myself, but I checked out a few websites and got a list of 15 books on how to be a good writer that I want to read before I start actual writing. Naturally I'm building my case right now so I'm on my laptop with none of my favorites or I'd just get you the site Scott. However I do have a list that I'll put up, while I'm looking more at doing something fantasy related most of the things about characters are the same.

I think it's a pretty good start maybe just a little more detail about what Amanda's drive to work is like, describe the city a little more. Throw a little more detail in what the guards look liike or what the guard shack looks like, that he had an M16 over his shoulder stuff like that.

Da list....
The Chicago Manual of Style
Words into Type
The Writers Complete Fantasy Reference by Terry Brooks
Beginnings Middles and Ends by Nancy Kress
Character and Viewpoint by Orson Scott Card
Dynamic Characters by Nancy Kress - this one is out of print so good luck finding it
Elements of Style
How to Write a Damn Good Novel 1 and 2 by James N. Frey
On Writing: A Memoir of the Craft by Stephen King
On Writing Science Fiction: The Editors Strike Back
38 Most Common Fiction Writing Mistakes by Jack M. Bickham
Worlds of Wonder: How to Write Science Fiction and Fantasy by David Gerrold
Stein on Writing by Sol Stein
How to grow a Novel by Sol Stein

LA_MERC_LaTech
March 27th, 2004, 05:19 AM
Hey thanks Ex! I have the elements of style book already, but I will look into the others this weekend! Thanks a bunch!

LA_MERC_eX1|eS' ch1|d
March 27th, 2004, 09:09 AM
No sweat Scott, I'd already looked up that stuff from a couple of different sites and they had very similar lists. Just a warning I went to Amazon.com and got all my books together, some used, it was $250 I think I had a new dictionary and a thesaurus. One of the best things I read on the net said, your not telling a story you need it to be just like a movie in the readers head. When I get my main computer up again I'll throw the link out to you. You should check out a couple of publishers websites before you send in anything too b/c they have different things they want.

The one I'm looking at writing for is based on the Forgotten Realms saga and they only want new writers to send in a 10 pages of type. So basically you have to sell your story in that 10 pages or your not going to get considered.

LA_MERC_eX1|eS' ch1|d
April 5th, 2004, 12:03 PM
Finally got my main computer up again so here's the link about writing Scott.

www.sfwa.org/writing/

Again it's for SciFi/Fantasy but most of the writing elements are the same.

}{y|3ri|)
April 8th, 2004, 12:39 AM
i have the first copy reserved already so you boons cant have it....

keep it up tech!

42d3e78f26a4b20d412==